#POWERFUL Bert Kreischer

Holla!!!!! to my Deathsquad Soldiers this Blog is for you crazy savages, if you don't know what Deathsquad is then am sorry your out the loop. I have been a big Joe Rogan Experience since almost the start of the 200 plus podcast's, it also got me into a fuck load of another podcasts like Bill Burr's, Duncan Trussell's, Talkin' Shit with Jim Jefferies and Eddie Ifft and the Deathsquad podcast network run by #JRE'S very own Redban!!!    Listening to these improved the way I think and act, it brought to light a full host of new comics and interesting type's like Tim Ferris and Graham Hancock and these podcast's also hooked me up with the Deathsquad Family on twitter a giant group of like minded bad mutha fucka's from all over the world and without one one them this blog wouldn't have been written.

The first time I heard Bert Kreischer on JRE I was in fits laughing at work getting weird looks from passing by workmen. After that am always looking out for Bert on JRE or the Ice House Chronicles, he's also been on Duncan Trussells and Marc Maron's.

Deathsquad Scotland, Bert and Buckfast (note bert is sitting down here cos he's fucking giant)

So I got to thank again @mish_the_dish on twitter, I was Having a cunt of a week both my kids were ill and I was trapped in the house, I didn't know Bert was in Scotland and Mish tweeted Bert saying if your in Scotland you gotta meet Deathsquad OG'S myself and @gspotthemaster, Bert retweeted and I was all over that shit, Finally with some back and forward tweets with Powerful Bert, it was on!!! Friday 1st of June in the capital Edinburgh the first DEATHSQUAD SCOTLAND MEET UP.

I headed in with @weerambo fellow OG and @andymac_01 was coming in later unlucky for @gspotthemaster he had to work and spend his night beating off and crying. 7pm in the filling station am looking around went a spot this giant shouldered man, "POWERFUL BERT KREISCHER!!" he turns and it's the big man himself. We were talking about his stay in Scotland where he's filming a TV show for the travel channel in the states called TRIP FLIP it's sounds pretty cool I'll be checking it out. Now I had a load of questions for Bert about his insane life from being the number 1 party animal in the country by Rolling Stone magazine to being a comic and travelling the world with his TV shows were he fought BJJ legends the Gracies and got gored by a giant fucking bull!!! the man's mental. But before I could ask any these loaded questions Bert asked If we had seen the new JRE "you guys got any gossip" so like old ladies at bunch we started to gossip about podcasts and all my questions went out the window, because in that moment instead of feeling like a fan I felt like I knew the guy for years. So easy to talk to because he's also a fan of the podcast's just as much as the rest of the Deathsquad family.

So we broke down the Bobcat Goldthwait episode, Then  I was like I you heard the latest Joey coco Diaz AKA @madflavor one? Bert wasn't up to date so I was telling him about Joey going crazy about RANCH DRESSING and the now infamous line "IT'S EITHER BLUE CHEESE WITH WINGS OR GO FUCK YOUR MUTHA!!!" Bert was killing himself laughing with his unmistakeable laugh which was awesome to heard in person haha. He then told us some Joey Diaz stories with all three of us doing our best Joey Diaz voices. Then he pulled out his iphone and let me hear a voicemail from Joe Rogan "POWERFUL BERT KREISCHER!!!!" says Joe then he was telling us just how an amazing friend Joe is and how the podcast has changed his life, Me too I said same with like everyone I know that listen's. Great to see Bert had the same thoughts on the show as myself.

We spoke about our favourite comics  like Bill Burr, Doug Stanhope and Louis CK with Bert adding some insider stories which were amazing to hear. Then we presented Bert with BUCKFAST TONIC WINE!! a drink made by holy monks and the cause of the most domestic violence in the west of Sotland, Bert laughed took a picture of it and tweeted it. He said am going to keep this for the next Ice House Chronicles podcast. Lets hope he does that would be crazy.

Also to add Bert wouldn't let us buy drinks he bought them all. And I think he fought it was crazy being 1000's of miles away and finding Scottish men tracking him down and yelling POWERFUL BERT KREISCHER AND THE MACHINE at him. Also some american guy came at of a photo with Bert he was a fan of his TV show which is mainly a travel show I think. I thought it was weird that this guy only knows Bert for being a TV host and Likely didn't know Bert was the guy that won a collage election by standing up in class and shitting in a pizza box, or that he robbed a train of his class mates in Russia with Russian gangster's in THE MACHINE!! STORY.

Bert's crew showed up for a beer and  his producer reminded him of some voice over work he had to do. I think it meant don't get fucking drunk bert!!! My buddy @andymac_01 showed up we broke down some Scottish terms for him like am fuckin streaming (i am drunk) and Fannybaws, Bert "what's fannybaws?" well Bert it's fanny in the UK means Vagina and Baws in Scotland mean your balls or sack, so for some reason we combined Vagina and balls to make the word Fannybaws!!! !Bert so it's means VaginaBalls?? HAHAHAHA  I LIKE THAT BETTER AM GOING TO USE THAT" also I got Bert to phone @gspotthermaster who was gutted he couldn't be there. Bert called I think G yelled THE MACHINE and Bert was pissing himself cool moment.

Bert's crew told him it was time to go, @WEERAMBO demanded he bought a round of shots for THE MACHINE we banged them out took some photos I ripped my hoodie off to expose the MACHINE T-SHIRT we all got amped shouting THE MACHINE and POWERFUL BERT KREISCHER to a baffled Edinburgh pub that didn't know what the fuck was going on. Standing next to Bert I didn't think he would be such a big guy "did you play football Bert" yeah "your a big fucking guy" Bert: in his Joe Rogan voice "KETTLEBELLS SON!!!" and off he went.

A shot with the Machine!!

So Deathsquad I know this blog is a bit of a nuthugger but the guys fucking awesome easy to talk to, got lots of time for his fans and Deathsquad peeps I have met a few comics and mma fighter's now and this was easily the best experience with shooting the shit with one of these guys. Honestly like I said with in 5 seconds of meeting I felt more of a mate of his than a creepy fan.

To Deathsquad thanks for being such cool mutha fuckas and again @mish_the_dish you set up one of the best moments of the year of me #KNUCKLES and to THE MACHINE, POWERFUL!!! BERT KREISCHER for the drinks and the super fun night

PRAISE ODIN
THE SHOGUN

The Comedy Connoisseur

Since around 19.... I started going to live music concerts, and for about 5 years I just Blitzed every Live gig I could get to some Highlights for me where Rage Against The Machine, The Prodigy, Oasis, Foo Fighters, The Black Keys, Weezer, Tenacious D , The Cribs and all time best THE WHO!!!! really I have seen a fuck load of bands, singers and rap acts. And I still enjoyed it saw The black keys just at the start of the year, but the few years back I when to 30ish gigs a year and T in the Park. Now I can't been fucked with it as much most music is shite the last 3 years. So instead of listening to the 16,000 songs on my ipod I have build up over the years  I switch to mainly Podcasts like THE JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE, JIM JEFFERIES AND EDDIE IFFT TALKIN SHIT. Am I weekly listener to about 11 different podcasts a week. Podcasts are where people can speak there mind without censor and after listening to these for around 2 years it's hard to watch a chat show or listen to a radio DJ due to the super falseness of the way they talk .

Anyway due to listening to mostly american podcast's it has opened up the world of stand up comedy. Because in the uk there are some arena filling comics but a lot of them aren't my taste like Micheal  Mcintyre. His comedy is like sitting on a bus or the different ways to hoover your house and he fills arenas full of dumb fucks who just like slow balls thrown at them. The UK does have some crushers.... I like Ricky Gervais this first two specials animals and politics are brilliant. Frankie Boyle's good even if he's a little over the line at times and Kevin Bridges is also really funny both of them are Scottish. My favourite UK comic has to be Stewart Lee really witty well constructed bits. There's a youtube video where he's in the stand in Glasgow ripping the movie Braveheart and William Wallace to sherds in front of a Scottish crowd when he's an English man maybe the bravest thing anyone has done in human history and he got away with it and it was hilarious.

But  from listening to podcasts opened me up to a lot of new guys here's my personal top five comics right now!!!

1. Louis C.K
2. Doug Stanhope
3. Bill Burr
4. Jim Jefferies
5. Joe Rogan

The list is comics still working regular right now all time comics well big fan of Chris Rock, George Carlin, Richard Pryor ..... etc

So instead of Live Music as my main go to for a night out I thought lets go see some stand up.

First up Tom Green was in Edinburgh I thought he would have some crazy stories to tell from his life but he mainly done JOKE JOKES!! was still fun to see Tom loved Freddy got Fingered growing up...But I already done a blog about this show so look that up.

Next was a week later and Jackasses Steve O was doing a show. Steve O was really fuckin funny lots of stories of his crazy life and tales of his problems with drugs. Was really surprised how good his show was and he even through in some token stunts.

I was in London last year me and my cousin flew down to see my uncle... but I also timed it around Bill Burr's only UK show but it was sold out I was gutted I was a big fan of his podcast his utube clips and his specials which I had watched countless times. At a last attempt I went to the Leicester square theatre. And luckily some guys friend didn't show up and sold me the ticket for face value SHAZAM. So I saw the show maybe the hardest I have laughed in my life just a solid crusher of a set I can't work out why he's not a big name in the UK he's miles better than almost everyone of the UK comics. Also he met everyone in the crowd and gave them a free dvd of one of his specials which was fuckin awesome of the guy

Then just a few weeks ago my friend Gregg hooked us up with Doug Stanhope tickets. Doug's a modern legend in stand up some say he's the new bill hicks I think he's a lot better than Bill Hicks better points and He's funnier!!!. His set seemed to be all new stuff as he had just released his special a few weeks earlier. His set was really good he had a run in with this CUNTY UK writer over this http://www.dougstanhope.com/journal/2012/4/7/who-reads-these-turkeys.html and he trashed over about 20 minutes onstage over something that had just happened a week ago it was amazing he destroyed her. Then he finished with a bit about how every country disses america and how great it is to live there. I would do it no justice writing it in better detail it fucking crushed!!!. Also his support act Henry Phillips which I heard on JIM and Eddies podcast was brilliant too he sang these amazing funny songs hope to catch the guy again one day. After the show me and G are whores for a quick photo with the comic as its cool to post on FB or twitter I had met tom, steve o and bill burr. And I really think Doug will be at Bill Hicks status one day so It would be cool to meet the man.

At the mech table there was no Doug just his writer Bingo this crazy lazy lady with blue hair and a snow white dress on. We got talking to her she was really cool but said Doug won't be out because it was a large gig and there's too many too people to meet. So she gave us a free signed poster of Doug which was awesome of her to do. So me and G decided to be creepy stalkers and wait outside a few minutes so we just talked shit to Bingo till Doug came out we got the photo and it was a great night. And would say to anyone to get a hold of any of Doug Stanhope's work its all good!!

me and doug stanhope

me and tom green

me and steve O

Hopefully this year Me and my comedy tag team partner @gspotthemaster will see some more comics this years. Already have frankie boyle tickets, Jim Jefferies Is coming later in the year. But top of the list is Louis CK becaues he's my favourite right now and set the bar so high for everyone else and Joe Rogan because am a psycho fan of his podcast and will go see anyone of the comic guests from the show like Bert the Machine  Kreischer 

Train All Day Joe Rogan Podcast BY Night.....ALL DAY!!!

THE SHOGUN

The Goonies... Revisited

I was born in 1984 so I grew up loving  the big 80's blockbusters like Indiana Jones, Back to the future etc...And I loved the Goonies big time still do!!!..The movie about the bunch of kids a Asian, a fat kid, a hobbit, Josh Brolin and my Favourite Corey "MOUTH" Feldman. The kids go on a treasure hunt to find ONE EYED WILLIES lost pirate Gold  to save there town. Chased by the evil Fratelli's and with a super gay 80's soundtrack by Cyndi Lauper the movie is GOLD GOLD GOLD.


But I have had a beef with this movie all my life until now, an unanswered question if you will, A question as big as, Is there a God?  Why are most women crazy?  and What time is the pizza coming at? But really this one scene bugged me forever. At the end of the movie after the goonies have found the gold and escaped the Fratellis. The Goonies are greeted by there parents and the press. No one believes there story, until they find a bag of jewels the press goes crazy the goonies tell them about the Fratellis, the fight with the giant octopus, one eyed willy and the pirate ship. Wait a fucking second WHAT FIGHT WITH AN GIANT OCTOPUS YOU LITTLE LAIRING FUCKERS? 

This was the moment that got me the talk of an Octopus, I have saw this movie a million times and has a kid the talk of a Giant Octopus fight was super exciting to me and the talk of it with no scene in the movie I felt cheated. Turns out I was reading about the 50 best deleted scenes in movie history. One scene was from KILL BILL another movie I love with Bill fighting Michael Jai White "Black Dynamite" himself in a samurai sword fight. The scene is awesome and should have made the final cut. I have put this scene (ABOVE) A MUST FOR A KILL BILL FAN.


Another scene was from the GOONIES with.......wait for it...........A GIANT MUTHA FUCKIN OCTOPUS!!! holy fuck I have wanted this moment all my life. Take a second  "shogun" relax and breath....and click play to the UTUBE LINK

REALLY!!!! what the fuck was that weak shit.....finding this scene was like someone giving you a lovely ice cream cone "oh thanks kind sir" too find they have poked dog shit in the middle of it. I totally see now why this scene wasn't in the final cut. The octopus makes the Shark in the 1977 JAWS look like one of those big blue cat cunts in Avatar. Plus the scene is dumb as shit hahaha they defeat the octopus by shoving a old skool tape walkman in its beak thing blasting some 80's cheese and the ocotpus can't handle it. A part of me wishes I didn't see this now cause in my mental head the goonies battle with the giant Octopus was the stuff of Legend then again maybe not. Anyway heres Cyndi Lauper's GOOD ENOUGH ENJOY STAY BLACK!!!! BITCHES

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HOLLA
THE SHOGUN