Animals Having SEX!!! IS FUNNY It Just Is

 If you have an ultra childish brain like me, then you will rank animals fucking in your top 5 funniest things on earth another is 1 year old children saying things like CUNT OR FUCK also cracks me up I don't have time to tell you the other three in my top 5 maybe another time. Put it this way your walking down the street and you notice a line of traffic being held up by a  Rottweiler blasting the ass off a Labrador Retriever with its pink cock sliding in and out cars beeping there horns. You just point and laugh and go about your day.

Which brings me the the awesome day I had with my family (girlfriend and 2 daughters) at Edinburgh zoo a few years back. It was a nice sunny day unusual for Scotland I know, So we're checking out the animals having a good time when we got to the turtles. Inside the pen filled with sand was you guessed it two turtles having sex straight  away am laughing my ass off at the turtles slow methodical thrusts a bit like myself huh ladies!! After that we watched a free monkey mma fight it was great they were beating the shit out each other could this day get any better. Moving on to were the Chimps  this male chimp was behind a glass jail with stuff for them to climb on it does get me down seeing animals in zoos but is the only way next to going and living in the wild you can get close to these animals because looking at a chimp behind glass your relaxed having a nice look. A chimp not behind glass your on edge there nice animals but you know in a heartbeat there could rip your ballbag off and chew it infront you. But anyway this chimp is sitting on a ledge with its back turned there's about 15 people with kids standing watching when the chimp out of nowhere turns jumps down to the ground covered in hay runs then slides up to the glass with his legs wide open and starts jiggling its massive grapefuit's sized balls in front of everyone like he waited for the best moment to strike again a little uncomfortable but I almost shit myself laughing.

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Moving on and to finish the day the loins great scary powerful cats I think there was one male and three females the alpha had a strong pimp hand for sure. After watching them sleeping for a few minutes my girlfriend Jane notice's a lady from own hometown I didn't know her but she was very proper spoken almost posh if you will with her mummy mummy look at the loins posh son very Harry Potter like kid, I will bet money he grows up loving a creamy saltly load in his mouth I just got that vibe, So since I didn't know the woman I kept quiet and let them talk away about ladies things shoes,cooking,periods and cleaning the house or something I wasn't listening when the Alpha loins wakes up swaggers around I bit then decides to flat out rape one of the females just gets on top pins her down by the back of the neck with his giant alpha paw and starts giving it powerful thrusts not like the turtles earlier these were POWERFUL!!!! you could his loin balls slapping off the loiness TANG!! then gives it THUNDEROUS ROARS guess thats how it works in the jungle. When this was going on the harry potter kid asks "mummy mummy what are they doing" now am doing my best to hold this laugh in now Mother said "there wrestling son just wrestling" too late now am laughing ultra loud after standing saying nothing for 10 minutes there was tears in my eyes. So to round off a nice family day we saw turtles slow thrusting a chimps big hairy testical's and a loin raping..


.its just funny to me am sorry oh oh oh we also saw a Rhino pissing on another Rhino's head AWESOME JUST AWESOME

PEACE LOVE AND MONKEY JIZZ
THE SHOGUN

Chris Lytle has left the building

Chris Lytle retired this week after beating down Dan Hardy and forcing him to tap in the dying seconds of the fight. For those who don't know who Chris Lytle is he is a former pro boxer with a record of 13 wins 1 loss 1 draw but mainly know for mma and fighting in the UFC with a record of 31 wins 18 losses 5 draws not the greatest record but it was the way the guy fought is why am writing this. He now holds the record for the most bonus wins in the ufc with 10 bonuses 6 for submission of the night, 1 knockout of the night, and 3 fights of the night. He would go toe 2 toe with anyone like Nick Diaz, Robbie Lawler, Paul Taylor, Matt Serra, Matt Hughes, Josh Koscheck, Dan Hardy, Thiago Alves, Matt Brown and Marcus Davies to name a few.

Why am i writing this blog well Chris was always the mid level guy on a card never the star of a ppv or event you would be amped for a main event and look at who else was on the card see Chris and be like ahhhh cool Lytle's fighting and you knew there would be at least one bloody fight on the card...the crazy thing is he was known for boxing and brawling but really his ground game was just has good he had a few barn burning brawls that ended in an nice submission to finish. The Guy always put on a show a true fighter not there to win by holding someone down for 15 minutes there to get in the grill of his opponent and go at it.

So it was great to see in his final fight to go out after a great stand and bang fight till Dan Hardy looked to go to the ground at the end and Chris switched on a nice Guillontine Choke to win the fight he won two bonuses it was THE MAIN EVENT and tapped a guy that the Welterweight Champion GSP couldn't. Its very rare in combat sports for a guy to go out on top at only 36 and won 5 out his last 6 to spend more time with his family. So I tip my hat to You SIR much respect and thanks for all the great fights....Ladies and Gentlement CHRIS "LIGHTS OUT" LYTLE!!!!!!!!!!!

PEACE
THE SHOGUN

High As Giraffe Pussy With TOM GREEN!!!!!!

So it's Edinburgh Festival time here in Scotland , So I got myself and a few buddy's tickets for Tom Green's Stand up show for Sat 6th of Aug..... I have always been a fan of Tom think I was about 16/17 when Road Trip and Freddy Got Fingered came out I have seen those movies tons of time's. Am also I big fan of stand up mostly american stand up's like Bill Burr, Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope , Chirs Rock, Dave Chappelle and my current favourite Louis C.K. But this was my first live stand up show and Tom was a good place to start.

gspotthemaster,that dude pete from big brother,me

To start the night me @weerambo @gspotthemaster and another buddy not on twitter Hutchie headed to Edinburgh. Now am on a smoker but I wanted the full comedy experience I wanted to get BAKED TO THE GILLS!!!! and I was at a wedding the night before so I was already RUFF AS A BADGER'S ASSHOLE from drinking so we got some weed and a pipe to get the party started . So we get to Edinburgh and right away meet some dude PETE who won BIG BROTHER UK the reality show I didn't even know who the dude was but Gspot did so fuck I got a photo with him like a big whore hahaha (pic above) Next we hit the Pipe a few times in an ally in front of tourist's passing by plus it was pissing down big time with rain so we're standing in an ally in the pissing rain circling around a pipe like CRACKHEADS. After that we hit the bars where another friend hooked up with us Mr Peel we had some drinks we got high party's good so far.


Around this time @weerambo was the most fucked up talking total shit but I wasn't far behind after I few more hours hitting the pipe beers and other stuff which am not naming here!! all 5 of us were drunk and high as motherfuckers lets go see Tom Green. The venue Tom was playing was in a giant upside down inflatable purple cow when your high that's cool as fuck. But the cue was outside in the heavy rain after standing for half an hour we were all as wet as a whore's pussy. Not to let this get us down we smashed the pipe again and drank more beers ohhhhh jesus!!! Finally we got in Tom hit the stage and shouted CHICKEN SANDWHICH AND CORN ON THE COB over and over about 30 times then got into his stand up. Side Note sitting infront of me at the show was Michael Winslow WHO? Fuck you know Sgt. Larvelle "Motor Mouth" Jones in the Police Academy series of movies Who? the one who made all noises's like robot sounds and machine guns and beat boxes, So we're high and Sgt Jones is right there it was a fucking trip for us all we all grew up watching and loving those shitty movies.

me and tom

wee rambo,tom green,gspotthemaster

So Toms show was a lot of fun some good jokes but you can tell Toms working stuff out at the moment and that's cool to see some stuff worked and some didn't but the process of stand up really interests me and if a bit didn't work Tom carried over to the next bit I thought he done a great job and he will only get better at it after all its only his first year back doing it and it was a pretty soild fun show. Toms had a crazy path in life from his pranks he done to his mum and dad see utube having a show on Mtv starring in Movies and then went Fuck It and started his own Talk Show from his living room on the internet to now going back to his stand up roots. After the show Tom hung around talking and drinking with fans and taking photo's this is always good and shows how nice a guy the canadian really is I spoke to him for a few seconds got a photo with him and a hand shake but was far to high to talk any more than that the brain was not working on full power at this point of the night but I wish Tom nothing but the best for him in the future from me and @weerambo @gspotthemaster Mr peel and Hutchie we had a soild night and the Freddy Got Fingered Quotes were also awesome "Daddy would you like some Sausage" 

In the cue for the show drunk/baked..Me,Mr Peel,Weerambo and Hutchie

After the show we jumped on a bus back to my hometown and watched UFC 133 and got drunker and HIGHER to the point were I had to lay down in my bathroom for 20 minutes because I was overflowing in Highness. Gspot lasted the longest I went to bed after the fights weerambo burned out at some point and gspot sat and watched Ancient Aliens hahaha thats a great show right enough. So powerful night TOMGREEN,DRUNK,PETE,LOOKINGLIKECRACKHEADS,SGTJONES AND HIGH AS GIRAFFE PUSSY!!!!!!!! Had so much fun we're going to see Steve O from Jackass fame trying out stand up going to be another fun as fuck night for the Deathsquad UK


SHAZAM!!!
THE SHOGUN

I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING....YES I HAVE SEEN A MAN PUNCH A SHEEP INTO A COMA!!!

Am going to take you back close to ten years ago to one of the most FUCKED UP things i have ever seen. Just a months before my first daughter was born I was 17 and as dumb as they come just drinking and partying all the time it was all I knew. Although I was saving a lot of money for when the baby comes the time was closing in the I knew the partying was coming to an end soon. My mum and dad were going on hoilday so i thought OHH FUCK YESS party time for the full weekend me and a large team of friends got as us scots say ON IT!!!!! Large volumes of merrydown cider and buckfast wine the drinks of choice for young males in scotland from the friday to early monday morning we drank and by the monday there was only two left me and ENTER JOHNNY LOPEZ!!!!!

Johnny Lopez was by miles the craziest friend I have ever had his mum and dad died when he was young leaving him to be brought up by his gran who was very old so johnny really had no one to guide him so he was batshit crazy. He gave his gran a skinhead in her sleep for grounding him also I think I that seen him walk round naked in public at least three times. I kind of felt sorry for him and used to give him old clothes and stuff anyway back to the scene. I remember it was a misty monday morning around 7am we're still hammered drunk so we bagged the last of the merrydown and lifted my 22 air rifle ohhhh jesus!!! and headed into the farmers parks full of sheep and cows. Because we were 17 drunk and had an air rifle we thought it would be super funny to shot 22 slugs into cows assholes and the result YES it was!!!! they would just stand there give you a weird look and go MMMMOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! This was enough fun for me but not Johnny "give me the gun" He said took his jumper and Tshirt off the started marching right up to the cows till he was 2 feet away from it squaded fired and shot it in the udder. I laughed the cow done nothing so this wasn't enough for Johnny he started running around the park chasing sheep till "A GOAT WAN!!!!" Scottish for I got one.

Now the fucked up bit I saw johnny grabbed the sheep by the back of the wool let me stop for a second at this point in the farmers field we were standing next to a railway bridge when a train went pass, so johnny grabbed the back of its wool picked it up head height and slammed it 4/5 times I shit you NOT I stood there with my jaw open and the sheep was now just lying knocked out.....I said to Lopaz "thats enough Johnny" He said "I'll tell you when its had enough" And went to Knee on Belly grabbed the back of the sheep's head and started punching it in the head. Now I have not punched a sheep in the face in my 26 years on this planet but i would think there skulls are pretty hard!!! this didn't phase Johnny had all while he was slamming thunderous punches into its sheepish face until we saw the farmer flying over the park in his quad bike so we ran like a muthafucker jumped fences thou the woods and over a river. So I know this story is pretty sick and horrible but for a moment place yourself in that train on that misty monday morning around 7.50am the rush hour train the busy train not a empty seat on it your a bit sleepy your reading your paper and for a second you have a little look out the window to see A SHIRTLESS MAN HOLDING A SHEEP BY THE BACK OF ITS FUCKING WOOL SLAMMING IT FROM HEAD HEIGHT INTO THE GROUND you can't make that shit up and I don't know if the sheep lived after its ufc style beat down for no reason I hope it did but that was years ago so good chance its been on someones diner plate by now.

After that my daughter was born and I cut a lot of friends off because you can't have sheep punching types around your kids. I haven't seen Johnny in years last I heard he now has a heroin problem..I guess I blogged about this because I think the % of sheep being punched into a coma story isn't high so enjoy or just be disgusted

STAY BAAAAALACK
THE SHOGUN

ABOUT ME AND STARTING A BLOG

WHATS UP PEOPLE? My name is DEREK SKILLING am from a old mining town in scotland called SHOTTS kind of a shithole!! But am used to it now i have lived here all my life am 26 and starting (trying) to write a blog I wasn't great at school and its my way to try learn myself to write better. I train MMA/SAMBO/THAI etc and i think you should have a ying and yang in life training and working being THE YING like physical stuff so i have been looking for THE YANG SIDE mental stuff!!!!! so am trying this to vent stress and be a little more creative by doing this. Am a painter by trade (houses) but i was pretty badass at drawing when i was younger so looking to try that again also and listening to the joe rogan podcast helps chill me out also.

Why all the STRESS you ask? Well quick recap of my life so far Grew up in a steady working class family with one sister who was wheelchair bound and handycapped growing up with that was pretty tough but and mum and dad done a good job raising me (i think?) 13 to 17 i was a hard partier and pretty easy going guy till my girlfriend that our first baby sophie and she was born with DOWN SYNDROME cue super depression and fighting with the girlfriend. I have always had a hard time dealing with this but got better with it over the years think about it your 18 your head is full of little cars crashing into each other you don't care for much next you have all this crazy responsibility in your life. But Sophie is hard to bring up its a challenge for sure am a lot mentally stronger for it and shes a great kid too shes 8 now. Back to the story second kid born two years later emily shes 5 now so having the two kids and fighting with your girl all the time oh and working on a building site ain't easy on the mind AM BITCHIN TOO MUCH I KNOW so i train mma now do some thai boxing and training russian combat sambo and love it helps keep the stress levels down keeps my MANSHIT levels up...so now am trying to as well as be a good dad do shit with my life and don't let myself get down in the dumps I think you get one shot at life and its best to fit in as much shit and get good at as much skills as you can.

So am going to blog about some of the stuff i get up too in my quest for the YING/YANG I was talking about Its my first blog a little back story sorry the feel sorry for me bit am just trying to say a have been at a low point in life but changed and started being more positive the way i look at things now and it helps. Anyway hope someone out there enjoyed it

STAY HIV POSITIVE
THE SHOGUN