I Pity the Fool That Painted My Face

As I get older am forgetting large parts of my life mostly my heavy party days of 14 to 18 I lost a lot of weekends and blogs posts to these blacked out moments. But remember some things like it was yesterday right back to 4 year old like my  4th birthday party I got this sweet Knight Rider push car it was awesome in November 88. To my dislike a friend of mine was playing in it I told him to get out KITT but he wouldn't so what did I do. I pushed him down the stairs of my mum and dad's flat at the time while he was still inside the push car. He tumbled down crashing to the bottom, you can't do that shit as an adult but as a kid I think I maybe didn't get to eat my birthday cake big deal!!! also Kitt survived the crash. Another memory is my friend @weerambo and his big stupid jacket and 80's mullet haircut  and that one day playing in the moors his boot stuck into the mud never to be found again why is that a big memory for me I don't know.


Also one time out playing I fell down and cut my ball-bag THAT I REMEMBER VERY WELL...OHHH THE BLOOD. One thing I remember that pissed me off all my life is when at a party at the nursery still at 4 it was a fun day of sorts there was a lady doing face paint. Now wait till you read what this CUNT done and I hope she got 1980's aids the strongest aids ever known because of it. I think in 1988 at 4 my favourite TV shows were Knight Rider, The Hulk I liked  Thundercats , He-man (side note...one thing about the he-man cartoon looking back it was gay as fuck I loved it as a kid but it was dumb as fuck I mean when Adam the prince turned into He-man he when from this Brock Lesner build guy with blonde hair and then with POWER OF GREYSKULL he turned into the same person apart from at some point during the power of grey skull bit he died his hair ginger and got a spray tan somewhere on the planet  Eternia and found a outfit worthy of any gay pride festival and no one knew the different just saying it was stupid) and I also loved the A-TEAM.

SEE WHERE DO YOU GET A SPARY TAN IN ETERNIA

So I asked the lady if she could paint my face like MR T she said yes and painted my face. After this was done in my 4 year old head I had just been transformed from a pasty white kid with a bowl cut to a giant muscle bound black guy with a Mohawk. I running around acting tough fighting with other kids shout I PITY THE FOOL AND I AIN'T GETTIN ON NO PLANE!!!! When I needed to take a piss and then I saw my face in the bathroom mirrior was I MR T the giant muscle bound black man with a Mohawk? NO!!! I WASN'T the fucking bitch painted my face as a CAT!!!!! A FUCKING CAT. What person tells a small kid hes Mr T and the whole time hes a cat the other parents must they thought I have mental problems running around thinking am a black guy when am just a big FAGGOTING CAT. Anyway rant over


FUCK YOU  FACE PAINTING BITCH
THE SHOGUN   

Kids Dance Shows

Being a dad of two daughters and I love my daughters but it's the law or something to attend anything they do like parents night, kids birthday parties and worst of all FUCKING DANCE SHOWS ...I am a asshole this is true and I do enjoy watching my kids who are 8 and 5 do there dance 5/6 routines there in my problem is watching the other 23 routines there not in with everyone else's fuckin kids I don't care about like I said am an asshole. I don't like dance I don't like to dance because I can't I hate plays and also musicals WHY???? you ask....BECAUSE I HAVE HAIR ON MY FUCKING BALLS, I LIKE FIGHT SPORTS, SHOOTING PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD ON XBOX AND WATCHING ANIMAL AND SLAP FIGHTS ON UTUBE that's why the other stuff is boring as fuck too me plus I think I have some mild A.D.D. I mean dancing to me like in a night club is like some primal shit before sex you are grinding and stuff I mean really the result you want is your dick sliding in and out of something whether it be a wet VAG or a shit filled dirt box whatever your into People I think that's what dancing is for right? some animals do dances hoping to mate afterwards. So watching kids do J-LO and BRITTANY dance routines CREEPS me out a little.

But fuck it I just keep my mouth shut and do what am told by the girlfriend and go. This was my third dance show this year you think these things would last an hour but NO!!!! try 3 AND A FUCKING HALF HOURS this was a street dance show so I thought maybe we'll get some cool break dance moves. Now the music at these shows is straight up shit there's no Black Keys or Led Zeppelin just Black eye Peas and LMFAO Shuffling horse shit. My kids were in the first few dances very good fun watching them on stage I wouldn't have the bottle to do that. The next dance the kids of 7 at the most they were wearing masks right out the movie EYES WIDE SHUT....WTF?   Next the boys group comes out don't people sent boys to Karate or a Real Sport any more I see why there's not many at the scouts now those dirty scoutmasters...side note I was a scout for a bit and I don't think I got made to blow anyone unless its a memory so painful I don't remember now so am pretty sure in my 26 years I haven't had a finger in my asshole once NOT EVEN MY GIRLFRIEND I don't like that road trip did I say 2 make that 3 shitttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!. But lets get back on track. Being from Scotland the % of black people isn't has high as other country's and I don't blame them its rains all the time here. So out of the 12 eight year old kids I was so happy there was a black child and if american street, basketball and gangs movies have taught me is that black people can dance, jump high and bust a freestyle rap on cue. Great lets see what this kids got....result nothing he was shit no dance skills at all WHY!! american movies WHY!!! did you lie to me. Turns out this pasty ginger kid was the best he was doing the worm and turn head spin in shit he was awesome I got to say.

The first act was set up like spring summer winter that stuff then a break and just to point out I hate small talk Like OHHH WHAT'S THE WHETHER LIKE and standing with like 200 people from your home town people I don't really know much about or have everything in common with small talk is the only talk that gets you through it I can't stand it. Act 2 I think was another 18 fucking songs from movies and fucking musicals FUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! FUCK MY FACE THERE IS NO GOD!!!!! One of my life goals was to get through my life without hearing or seeing anything from the Musical CATS!!!! and you guessed it they done cats. Now I know why some people just flip and start shooting handguns in crowded areas really kids dresses like cats pretending to be cats over a soundtrack of ear H.I.V. Why didn't just not put 10 real cats 5 mice and 3 pitbulls on stage think of the fun that would be I'd pay like £50 for that. So at the end of a long show all the kids came out to in bow to the cheering crowd and this little kid gets so amped up he just vomits all over the stage awesome that was the highlight for me. So just to say there's nothing wrong with dance shows like I said am an asshole and inpatient to that stuff. Surely thats makes me a good dad the fact I sit through something I deeply hate to support my kids let me know @shogunskilling in twitter

CATS IS GAY
THE SHOGUN